The following nonsense makes no mention of the passing of Whitney Houston. It was written before the news broke, and I'm left with the choice of scrapping it (not going to do that- it took me ages), or crowbarring her name in somewhere it doesn't belong (not going to do that either; cause of death hasn't been announced- what if it involved a crowbar?? That would just seem insensitive). So here it is: my positive and upbeat take on the Grammys, gracefully sidestepping the issue of the untimely death of the aforementioned icon.

It's Grammy time! The music industry's night of nights! The stars! The celebrities! The red carpet! The integrity! As of this writing, the big show is only hours away, and I couldn't be more excited! Not just for the amazing spectacle, the glamour, the sense of community, the recognition of artistic excellence; I'm excited because this year, I think the Hempton Band will take home the prize.
I realise it's a gutsy call, and some people will call me arrogant or delusional. Others will impatiently dismiss the claim, possibly citing our lack of a nomination. But I feel calm and confident, and it's precisely these kind of negative barbs (the worst kind) from nay-sayers (haters and negative-nancys, in the parlance of our times) that will make a Grammy statuette taste that much sweeter.
I will, however, address the perceived problem of a nomination, or absence thereof. If there's one thing the Grammys are about, it's innovation. The prize isn't being given to talentless pop-tarts shamelessly churning out vapid regurgitations of former chart hits. Industry recognition isn't going to aging rockers desperately trying to squeeze out one more hit in a sad attempt to hold onto the acceptance of a fickle and uncaring audience. The voters are not awarding trophies to attractive industry puppets, fronts for devious chart-hungry producers, using scientifically manipulative devices to tighten their grip on a passive, unthinking and addicted demographic. Not the Grammys I know. The Grammys I know reward creativity, originality and inspiration. The breaking down of barriers. The pushing of envelopes. Sure, this means some winners may not be well-known; some may not have sold many "units". Some may not be featured on the telecast purely to ensure a large audience of gullible consumers whose mindless obedience allows advertisers to pump tens of millions of dollars into the already-swollen coffers of the television network. And it's precisely the Grammy committee's encouragement of upstarts willing to think outside the box that will allow the Hempton Band to flout convention and come from behind, nomination-less, and carry home the gong!
So when you're sitting on the edge of your seat (or couch), rooting for Rihanna and giving a yell for Adele, don't forget about us. Because you might duck out to make a piece of toast or go to the toilet, and come back to find your pals Marco, Dan, Art, and Nick standing at that podium, thanking God. And though we won't say it, we'll be thanking you too. Well, not really thanking, exactly; and not you, specifically- just a sort of general "Cheerio!" So wish us luck- I'm off to write my speech!